Red Jellybeans

I am annoyed. Nothing seems real and it's bugging me. I feel like anything that's happened is just part of some cleverly devised plan to get me to turn out a certain way in the end. All the sudden, everything seems fake and forced. My friends respond to me so they can get my approval, not so I can hear what they really have to say (which is what I really want to know). My parents talk to me as if I can do whatever I want in life, that they'll be happy with me no matter where I go. But I can feel their confusion when I start talking about how I might try new things, that maybe I don't know for sure. People praise me because they want me to feel good, not because I really deserve it. Nothing is real. There is no truth.

I am finding more and more that my refuge lies in the truth. And the truth is hard to come by. It's like picking out the all the red ones in a box of jellybeans... I'm glad I can score the little morsels, but each time I get a taste, I crave more of that flavor and spend that much more time searching for the same red-jellybean pleasure.

I guess I'm just afraid that if I lose my red jellybeans, I'll suffer from truth withdrawal and go completely crazy.

I AM going completely crazy.