Happy New Year

It's weird. I see everything in pictures. Every year is like this big long list. Like a calendar: but all in one big piece of paper going month by month, day by day. On January 1st, my head can't mentally see myself at the top of the list again. I'm never at the top of the list, now that I think of it. It's like I join around the middle of January because my strange mind won't let me start from the beginning.



It's like those incredibly stressful dreams I used to have! Those ones where there would be a perfect circle cut in the bread, but the circle of bread was sticking out a bit at the top. I would push it in, so the surface of the bread would be level and equal. But then the cut out circle would just stick out the bottom. So I cut off the extra bread of the circle, thinking that it would solve my problem. But the Bread Circle defied all rules of physics! Every time I would cut the BC on one side of the piece of bread, the part of the BC on the other side would pop up unequally.


IT JUST KILLED ME!


Wow...this was a very strange and off-topic post for the New Year.


Maybe I should check myself in to a mental ward. I mean, stress dreams about BREAD?! C'MON!!

The Sky

When I'm in the sky
And I look to the horizon
Where the sea meets the clouds,
I think:
"I never realized how small I am."

Now the great big world
Is the size of my little finger.
Towns, especially mine,
Are just a glimmer
On the power grid that
My state is reduced to.

I'm flying
In a chair...
Weird...




 This poem was basically just a bunch of random, unedited thoughts that came out of my eyeballs on the airplane!!! Hope you all had a great holiday, and that you'll have a happy New Year.

TrAiN oF tHoUgHt

its
like words just come o
ut and theres no punctuation b
ut its not stopping you becaus
e you dont care about what people think of you except
thats a lie because you do so
why are you posting on a blog anyway where anyone whos breathing can see what youve written and dont you hate it when your little brother interrupts your train of thought


its practically like torture when hes this out
of control i mean cant he just think
before he acts i guess he cant and i shouldnt
be hard on him but i cant help it he annoys me just to annoy me to the point where i literally want to beat him and there he goes again interrupting my train of thought

i think when i post this on my blog i should break it up into random stanzas so it looks like a poem that would be cool-ish maybe i dont know maybe i should just GIVE UP CARING WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
 

To Be Lonely

this is a cry of 

loneliness

my light is 

flickering

the sky on my 

horizon is 

darkening,

my words are being 

broken in to 

pieces and it's hard to tell

what 

goes 

where, and i don't 

want to shut

up anymore because 

i'm going

to explode 

so please talk

to me.

it's in the dark

when i'm alone with 

just me 

and then i realize

that it's always been

like that

i am 

lonely

Lots of...Shtuff..

Today was a BLEH day. It was a nothing day, filled with nothing-ness. Yesterday was like that too! But in spite of the nothing-ness, it feels like I have a lot on my plate.

Friendships are difficult. That's what I've learned these last couple of nothing-ness days. There are different kinds of them, and they're all a little different, but they're all difficult. I guess you could say my experiences with friends have always been diverse, and nothing the same ever happens twice.

I probably have a lot of "friends" per say. But I don't have a lot of close friends, which is what I really want. My friends are nice, but a lot of them aren't people I would want to pour my life out all over.I think to be close friends with someone, there has to be something different about the relationship. So I have a best friend who is practically like a sister to me. She's there whenever, but we're not afraid to disagree with each-other or talk about whatever comes to mind. She's different because she feels like family. I have another friend who is soft-spoken. She doesn't like to talk about herself and whenever we talk it's mostly me doing all the jabbering. I like her a lot, and I actually look up to her. That's what makes that friendship different than others, because I really respect her.

But then there are the friends that I wish I knew better. Sometimes I creep myself out, because I want so badly for people to confide in me. Especially this one girl. I think she's amazing, and I admire/am jealous of her. She's so interesting and engaging, I just want to know more about her. But there's history and blah blah blah. Basically, it's complicated. But all I really want is for her to like me.

And then there are my guy friends. I don't have a lot of them. In fact, I only really have one. I used to have a lot of guy friends, since I didn't really hang out with the girls, but then I got all bossy and icky and they just left me alone. Anyways, my relationship with my guy friend is complicated. One day it's a straightforward relationship, and then the next it's completely different. I just don't know what to think...

But the weird thing is, with my close friends, I'm never satisfied. I just want people to accept me. I want to be special to someone, and I'm just not. There's always someone else for them, or that's what it feels like. I'm not complaining, but it's just very confusing.

Sometimes I think I suck at relationships in general. And then I get freaked out, because how am I ever going to survive high school if I can't even figure out how to do anything right?

Sometimes....

Sometimes
I do things I don't have to do
Sometimes
I ignore the things I need to do
Sometimes
I pretend to like something
Even when I don't
And sometimes,
I like to pretend that my life is down the drain
Just so I can tell people that
It's all downhill from here
Sometimes
I wish that things weren't so complicated
But then I realize
I'm looking at the big picture
And I should take it a step at a time
Sometimes
I want to roll my eyes at the people I love
Because I'm sick of their dramatics
And the way they don't think
Like I do
Sometimes
I want to shake people by the shoulders and say:
"Stop pretending."
Because sometimes,
It feels like you're the one
Living on the other side of the street

UGH

I hate going to places that make you feel small. Today I went to a Parent-Ed night at my school and a bunch of alumni were there. That was nice, to see how they grew up and all, but they made me feel so small. I mean, I knew all of them, and they had no idea I even existed. It's funny how when you're 9, someone being 11 isn't that big of a difference. But when you're 13, even someone a year older seems miles apart. It's weird when someone means something, even a tiny something, to you and they probably haven't given you a second thought for years.


"I don't paint nightmares or dreams, I paint my own reality."

"It is from cages that all free birds fly."

My Lungs Burn

I have a disease
Sometimes I'm afraid
People will find out
And send me away
Or cast me out like a
Freak

I didn't realize at first
When my lungs burned
And my eyes rimmed with
Red and wetness
That I was sick

Those first times in the
Bathroom
When I turned all the lights off
So I could be by myself
Alone with my own torture devices
I would lay on the floor
And my lungs would burn
And I would weep

It's always when you're alone
You have to be alone
To feel freakish
And in the dark bathroom
I could see everything I was scared of
So clearly in that one flood
Of emotion
When I was sick

Last summer, I was away
From home for 3 weeks.
It was a long time
And I got scared
Because I didn't know how
To be myself without everyone
That made me someone
And I got sick

Every lunch hour
In the stall
During dessert,
While everyone was eating
My lungs burned,
Breathing at a rapid rate
Freak

Then after the scared,
I got brave.
I decided I was sick
And that I needed help
But it backfired on me
And I never want to see her again
Because she looked at me different
Once she knew
My lungs burned

And just the other day
When I waited
'Till the lights were off
And I was alone
I cried and screamed
And kicked and breathed
In and out and in and out
So fast I could hear my lungs
Asking me to stop
Stop, stop, stop
But I can't stop

And now I'm reading
Books and talking to all
Sorts of people and that's
Fine
But I'm like a soda can.
They're teaching me how
I can stop the shaking
But what I really want
Is to be poured out
I just want it gone
I want the sick
Out of me
Freak

Poem...Of Some Sort

A bird with green feathers
Was waiting
Waiting for something to happen
As her small feet shuffled
And her wings trembled 
On the soft-skinned palm
Of a human hand

The hand kept still,
Completely statue,
Afraid it would lose what it was holding
But a pulse was still pumping
Inside each little finger
Quickening ever so slightly
When it felt the tree shiver

The tall oak held the child
In it's wind-shaken arms
And though it was wise and strong
It answered to another master:
The creek by it's roots

The creek bubbled in laughter
At the tickling of the green moss
At it's bottom
Feeling powerful and life-giving
As it flowed into the mind
Of the sleeping boy

A dreaming boy
Lay fast asleep,
The rivers of his mind
Flowing with imagination
So peaceful, moving in only
Small spurts:
A twitch of the thumb,
A hint of a smile.

In a flurry of green feathers,
A bird spread it's wings
And fluttered off

And a boy woke

Apple Store!!

I'm at the apple store typing this post on an iPad. Wow. Funtimes.

It's All Yours

Oh my GOD. I hate myself right now. Today was an.......interesting day. I gorged myself in television, pancakes and cranberry sauce, which was good, but the rest: not so much. I have an excruciating headache from all the rethinking I've done. Previously, I've said that for you to let something go, then someone else has to let it go also. But after today, I've realized that's not true.

The only thing you can change is yourself. If you think about it, you can't control anything or anyone rather than you and your own body, and sometimes not even that. So why focus on what you think someone needs to do? You can't change them, and there's nothing wrong with them anyhow. We are who are, in the immortal words of Ke$ha. It's sort of empowering to know that you are completely responsible for everything that happens to you, but it's also terrifying. This means that you can never blame another person EVER and be right about it. So, when I complain, (and I do often) I'm lying to myself. That doesn't mean I can't, or shouldn't complain, it just means I can never prove I'm right when I do.

"People are like magnets. They attract everything that comes to them." This quote is what sometimes throws me off. Does it mean that we deserve everything we get? That can't be true. I don't think I deserved to have my uncle pass away. I don't think my family deserved that. I don't think people with talent deserve to be turned away so that they can't tell the world who they are. I don't think that you deserve to be so sad you would take your own life. How could you tell a father of a murder victim that people get what they give? So I think taking responsibility with what happens to you means that you are the one who chooses how you feel about anything and everything. Everything you get, you decide what to make of it. Whatever you get served, it's yours to dive into.

It's all yours!

Upon My Pages

Upon My Pages

Upon my pages, storms are born
Witches slayed
And scorners scorned.

Upon my pages, I always show
That I will die
For what I know.

Upon my pages, I pretend
To shield myself,
To help me mend

So I free myself from
Me
Upon my pages.