Happy New Year

It's weird. I see everything in pictures. Every year is like this big long list. Like a calendar: but all in one big piece of paper going month by month, day by day. On January 1st, my head can't mentally see myself at the top of the list again. I'm never at the top of the list, now that I think of it. It's like I join around the middle of January because my strange mind won't let me start from the beginning.



It's like those incredibly stressful dreams I used to have! Those ones where there would be a perfect circle cut in the bread, but the circle of bread was sticking out a bit at the top. I would push it in, so the surface of the bread would be level and equal. But then the cut out circle would just stick out the bottom. So I cut off the extra bread of the circle, thinking that it would solve my problem. But the Bread Circle defied all rules of physics! Every time I would cut the BC on one side of the piece of bread, the part of the BC on the other side would pop up unequally.


IT JUST KILLED ME!


Wow...this was a very strange and off-topic post for the New Year.


Maybe I should check myself in to a mental ward. I mean, stress dreams about BREAD?! C'MON!!

The Sky

When I'm in the sky
And I look to the horizon
Where the sea meets the clouds,
I think:
"I never realized how small I am."

Now the great big world
Is the size of my little finger.
Towns, especially mine,
Are just a glimmer
On the power grid that
My state is reduced to.

I'm flying
In a chair...
Weird...




 This poem was basically just a bunch of random, unedited thoughts that came out of my eyeballs on the airplane!!! Hope you all had a great holiday, and that you'll have a happy New Year.

TrAiN oF tHoUgHt

its
like words just come o
ut and theres no punctuation b
ut its not stopping you becaus
e you dont care about what people think of you except
thats a lie because you do so
why are you posting on a blog anyway where anyone whos breathing can see what youve written and dont you hate it when your little brother interrupts your train of thought


its practically like torture when hes this out
of control i mean cant he just think
before he acts i guess he cant and i shouldnt
be hard on him but i cant help it he annoys me just to annoy me to the point where i literally want to beat him and there he goes again interrupting my train of thought

i think when i post this on my blog i should break it up into random stanzas so it looks like a poem that would be cool-ish maybe i dont know maybe i should just GIVE UP CARING WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
 

To Be Lonely

this is a cry of 

loneliness

my light is 

flickering

the sky on my 

horizon is 

darkening,

my words are being 

broken in to 

pieces and it's hard to tell

what 

goes 

where, and i don't 

want to shut

up anymore because 

i'm going

to explode 

so please talk

to me.

it's in the dark

when i'm alone with 

just me 

and then i realize

that it's always been

like that

i am 

lonely

Lots of...Shtuff..

Today was a BLEH day. It was a nothing day, filled with nothing-ness. Yesterday was like that too! But in spite of the nothing-ness, it feels like I have a lot on my plate.

Friendships are difficult. That's what I've learned these last couple of nothing-ness days. There are different kinds of them, and they're all a little different, but they're all difficult. I guess you could say my experiences with friends have always been diverse, and nothing the same ever happens twice.

I probably have a lot of "friends" per say. But I don't have a lot of close friends, which is what I really want. My friends are nice, but a lot of them aren't people I would want to pour my life out all over.I think to be close friends with someone, there has to be something different about the relationship. So I have a best friend who is practically like a sister to me. She's there whenever, but we're not afraid to disagree with each-other or talk about whatever comes to mind. She's different because she feels like family. I have another friend who is soft-spoken. She doesn't like to talk about herself and whenever we talk it's mostly me doing all the jabbering. I like her a lot, and I actually look up to her. That's what makes that friendship different than others, because I really respect her.

But then there are the friends that I wish I knew better. Sometimes I creep myself out, because I want so badly for people to confide in me. Especially this one girl. I think she's amazing, and I admire/am jealous of her. She's so interesting and engaging, I just want to know more about her. But there's history and blah blah blah. Basically, it's complicated. But all I really want is for her to like me.

And then there are my guy friends. I don't have a lot of them. In fact, I only really have one. I used to have a lot of guy friends, since I didn't really hang out with the girls, but then I got all bossy and icky and they just left me alone. Anyways, my relationship with my guy friend is complicated. One day it's a straightforward relationship, and then the next it's completely different. I just don't know what to think...

But the weird thing is, with my close friends, I'm never satisfied. I just want people to accept me. I want to be special to someone, and I'm just not. There's always someone else for them, or that's what it feels like. I'm not complaining, but it's just very confusing.

Sometimes I think I suck at relationships in general. And then I get freaked out, because how am I ever going to survive high school if I can't even figure out how to do anything right?

Sometimes....

Sometimes
I do things I don't have to do
Sometimes
I ignore the things I need to do
Sometimes
I pretend to like something
Even when I don't
And sometimes,
I like to pretend that my life is down the drain
Just so I can tell people that
It's all downhill from here
Sometimes
I wish that things weren't so complicated
But then I realize
I'm looking at the big picture
And I should take it a step at a time
Sometimes
I want to roll my eyes at the people I love
Because I'm sick of their dramatics
And the way they don't think
Like I do
Sometimes
I want to shake people by the shoulders and say:
"Stop pretending."
Because sometimes,
It feels like you're the one
Living on the other side of the street

UGH

I hate going to places that make you feel small. Today I went to a Parent-Ed night at my school and a bunch of alumni were there. That was nice, to see how they grew up and all, but they made me feel so small. I mean, I knew all of them, and they had no idea I even existed. It's funny how when you're 9, someone being 11 isn't that big of a difference. But when you're 13, even someone a year older seems miles apart. It's weird when someone means something, even a tiny something, to you and they probably haven't given you a second thought for years.


"I don't paint nightmares or dreams, I paint my own reality."

"It is from cages that all free birds fly."